"Living a life as a Christian, you are going to suffer", powerful words spoken to me by my faithful, loving and greatest friend God has given me. Michael Pierson said those words to me two days ago. This after I talked his ear off about how my life was going. I know I can talk to him about it and he will not judge me, he WILL get tired of hearing the same things over and over, but that is what makes him a good, faithful friend to me. He listens, gives me ideas, not advice. He gives me a sounding board to talk to someone that will not judge my walk with Christ, but give me words to encourage me and support me and make me laugh. Many people are in my life, but I NEVER worry about what Mike thinks the next time I see him. I know he understands my struggles as much as a person on the outside can.

There are times that I am honestly scared to ask questions because I am afraid someone might think I am second guessing my relationship with Christ. But then, anyone who knows me knows how much I love to ask questions. Why? Because you can never know too much. I want to know as much as I can. I want to listen to as much teaching as I can. I LOVE sitting and listening to a good sermon or lesson. I could spend everyday of my life listening to a lesson and not grow tired of it.

I find it sad sometimes that as Christians, we are not "allowed" to have bad days. We have days that we question what God's plan is, we have days we are not the fondest of the tests He has given us.We have times that we just need to scream and be mad for a little while, but we will come back down.
I think as Christians, we should be able to have these days because it only shows that we DON'T have all the answers, life isn't always rosy because you have the Holy Spirit living in you, and we are HUMAN!!

I have recently been doing a lot of research on Reactive Attachment Disorder. If I would just complete my reading and doing all of my research, I would know and understand better what is happening not only to my children, but also to me. Because I deal with two kids with RAD, it is very common to suffer from depression and PTSD....yes, even that!! I had NO clue!! I have been having such a hard time with the kids that I did not realize what I was doing to myself. I was sending myself spirialing down, all the while God was trying to reach out to me, but I just couldn't see it.

I truly believe it is because of great friends like Mike, that I am not curled up in a corner rocking like a mad woman!! Parents of children with RAD very frequently feel like horrible parents because no matter what we do, our children do not know how to show US they love us. They reject the love, but friends like Mike show me the light. They show me that I am not crazy (well, not completely) and that my kids do love me and that there is hope.

God has showed up so many times and I have failed to see it. Yesterday, He wouldn't leave my house until I saw Him. It started at 3 a.m. (again!!) and it didn't stop until I went to bed about 1 a.m. (I only got a 45 minute nap in yesterday so I was ready for anything!!) He first showed up when He woke me up and told me to take some time and take care of myself. So, without ANY interruption, I was able to take a 15 minute shower. That was nice, even if it was way too early in the morning.

Then I went back to bed about 5:30 and was woken up at 7:30 because God was in my living room. Well, it was actually a teenager from the neighborhood who missed the bus and feared waking up his mother to take him, so he came to me. Yeah, a kid from the neighborhood asked ME to give him a ride to school. I thanked God that this kid knew that he could trust me and that I would always have his best interest in mind. I loved the fact that this kid and I had a great conversation on the way to school and I learned that he was hurting but was not able to talk to his friends about it. He COULD talk to me about it...that makes me happy that he knows SOMEONE will listen.

I also got to watch my dear little Brooklyn on her birthday. Her mother also informed me that she had a friend in need and was wondering if I could help. Well, of course I would!! So, her friend came over and sat in my living room and talked to me. This girl did not recognize me, but I knew EXACTLY who she was. See, I knew her from my last job. She was a "guest" at the jail when I worked there. She had NO CLUE almost the whole time, who I was. I let her talk and tell me her story. She is currently homeless with a 2 year old and Brooklyn's mom is letting her stay with them until she can get a place. She is also just starting a new job and needs someone to watch her son so she can work. I told her that I would watch her son, no problem. She then asked how much I would charge her, I could see the shame and embarassment in her face in the fact that she had no money. I told her I would just watch her son so she could get back on her feet. She didn't need to worry about paying me, just find a home. The look on her face could keep me going for the rest of my life. It was if someone lifted every bad thing that has ever happened to her and she was free. It was at this point in the conversation she could relax and talk and laugh with me.

She eventually figured out who I was and almost hit the floor again. She just said, "why would you do this for me? I am a former inmate, you guys hated us." These words were just as powerful as Mike's. I am a Christian and I was not going to let HER suffer. When she left, she barely made it off the porch before she broke down and cried. I think at that moment, she felt God's hand on her. I could have done a back flip from the power I felt from the Holy Spirit at that moment.

My day continued with God coming in direct contact with me. We actually got a bank check back for extra money paid into our escrow AND our mortgage payment went down for the next year. Can you hear the Amen's coming???

Tyra had a great game last night, and she actually let me shower her with praise with how well she did. Can I get an AMEN there??? She NEVER let's me brag. I was over the moon with love. I even got to go to the grocery store without the kids and came home to everyone ready for bed.

God was all over the place yesterday. I'm sure He was there all those other days and I just didn't see Him. I love that even at my darkest point, I didn't give up. I could have and went back to my old ways, but my friends held strong to me. Their prayers for me were felt with the way the Holy Spirit fought with me everyday to see the light.

I would love to make a grand statement here that my life is going to be better from this point forward and I will never suffer or want again, but that is just not how life goes. I will say that my faithful friends will FOREVER mean the world to me with their words of advice and love they always have to share. And I am thankful that with everything I am going through, they stay strong for me too.

Thank you guys, and I love you more than you will EVER know or understand!!!