It started out with 7 years of infertility and being told that I was never going to be able to bear a child. I am fastforwarding through that part because it only consists of depression, a TON of doctors, tests that HURT and pretty much being told and convinced of the fact that you are not a "woman" by medical standards. What do I mean by this?? Well, woman was put here to give birth and bring forth life, and if you cannot do that, well, what IS your purpose??
So, let's get back to the adoption process. How many people do you know have to get a doctor's clearance to be a parent when they find out they are pregnant? How many people do you know have to submit fingerprints just to prove they can parent? I know a LOT of people in prisons and jails that have kids and no one questions them!! How many hours of classes were you required to take before you were allowed to take your child home from the hospital? Did anyone come and walk through your house and tell you to fix it up before your child was able to come home?
Well, we had to do all of that, as well as fill out a ton of paperwork and write a paper about our lives and go through MANY interviews even before we could be CONSIDERED to be parents. Sure does seem like a lot considering a lot of people only had to fit in the back seat of a Ford Escort to be blessed with their kids!!
Now, we have all of our paperwork in. You think 9 months is long to wait for a baby, try waiting ANY amount of time for a birth mother to walk into an office and decide that of all the profiles she is given to look at, yours is the best!! Our wait actually wasn't that long, but it sure seemed like an eternity. Most parents know what it is like to love their child from the day they found out they were pregnant. Well, in adoption, you fall in love when you make the first appointment!! You fall in love with a child that you know nothing about, not sure if they are born or not, or exactly how many there will be!! Love for a child comes from the feeling of wanting to be a parent. I knew I loved my kids when I was about 9 or 10 and decided I wanted to be a mom someday too!!
Then we got the call. Let the naysayers commence. I heard everything from "you aren't qualified to raise a black child", to "twins, are you crazy", to "do you think you will love them". All crazy comments, but they have NEVER stopped. I have heard if from before the twins came home, to just this weekend!! 10 years of being told how unqualified I was to be their parent.
Now, let's jump to the point when I WAS blessed with bearing my own child. Insert the comments of "do you regret adopting the twins now that you have your own kid?", "are you going to do the same for the babies as you did the twins?", "why did you buy that for Eleanor? You didn't get that for the twins!".
The one thing I think most people fail to recognize is that yes, I treat the girls different that the twins, mainly becuase of the huge difference in age!! I love each one of my kids differently. I actually have a lot of days where I feel like I am neglecting the girls a LOT!! I feel like I am not allowed to be the mom I want to be, because someone may see me doing something and instantly judge me because they didn't see me doing something for one of the other kids.
Name me ONE parent that has done the EXACT SAME THING for ALL of their children!! It is impossible. My mom did differently for each of us five kids, based on our likes and dislikes, and so do many others. I would never take Tyra to a fashion show to buy a bunch of dresses, but I would take the girls!! Why, Tyra is a tomboy...she HATES girly clothes!!!
I would never take the girls to a basketball game, but I would take the twins. Tyrece and Ellie love vegetables, Tyra and Millie would rather have meat. Ellie loves peanut butter, Millie doesn't like it. See what I'm getting at!!
Now, let's look at some facts that I know and you may not. The twins were severly neglected before they came to us. How do I know that?? Well, how many of your kids grew 10-12 inches in one year? How many of your kids did not know how to stop eating when they were full? My twins ate to the point of extending out their stomachs because they were never used to the next meal going to be there!!! Many of you have heard the story of Tyrece's first experience with an apple...he ate the core, stem, seeds and all!!
They were not in a stable environment before we got them. They moved around a LOT. We were told it was about every six weeks or so. Now, imagine letting your kids bounce around that much, never calling you mom, and then hoping the develope normally later in life.
I have read many stories, seen many programs and have experienced for myself the difference between kids that were raised with love and ones that were tossed around. Tyrece and Tyra were mentally behind at the age of 4. Millie at the age of 3 is more advanced than they were!! Not because she is special or a genius, but because she has had the same home, interaction with people who love her and STABILITY!! All of those things are crucial for a child to grow up normally.
I am in the process of finding someone to help with diagnosing the twins with what I believe to be Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is something we were taught in all of those classes we had, yet I never thought I would actually be seeing it myself. I thought the love they got from us would be enough. Well, love cannot undo years of neglect. All it can do is go from there and help in any way it can!!
So, I have ranted enough, I think you may understand me a little bit more now, or not. Either way, I have gotten this out of my system. I am continuing on with my role as a parent of 4 here and 1 waiting for me in Heaven. I thank God for the opportunities to parent each one of these kids, no matter how much I want to beat them into next week!!
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