"Living a life as a Christian, you are going to suffer", powerful words spoken to me by my faithful, loving and greatest friend God has given me. Michael Pierson said those words to me two days ago. This after I talked his ear off about how my life was going. I know I can talk to him about it and he will not judge me, he WILL get tired of hearing the same things over and over, but that is what makes him a good, faithful friend to me. He listens, gives me ideas, not advice. He gives me a sounding board to talk to someone that will not judge my walk with Christ, but give me words to encourage me and support me and make me laugh. Many people are in my life, but I NEVER worry about what Mike thinks the next time I see him. I know he understands my struggles as much as a person on the outside can.

There are times that I am honestly scared to ask questions because I am afraid someone might think I am second guessing my relationship with Christ. But then, anyone who knows me knows how much I love to ask questions. Why? Because you can never know too much. I want to know as much as I can. I want to listen to as much teaching as I can. I LOVE sitting and listening to a good sermon or lesson. I could spend everyday of my life listening to a lesson and not grow tired of it.

I find it sad sometimes that as Christians, we are not "allowed" to have bad days. We have days that we question what God's plan is, we have days we are not the fondest of the tests He has given us.We have times that we just need to scream and be mad for a little while, but we will come back down.
I think as Christians, we should be able to have these days because it only shows that we DON'T have all the answers, life isn't always rosy because you have the Holy Spirit living in you, and we are HUMAN!!

I have recently been doing a lot of research on Reactive Attachment Disorder. If I would just complete my reading and doing all of my research, I would know and understand better what is happening not only to my children, but also to me. Because I deal with two kids with RAD, it is very common to suffer from depression and PTSD....yes, even that!! I had NO clue!! I have been having such a hard time with the kids that I did not realize what I was doing to myself. I was sending myself spirialing down, all the while God was trying to reach out to me, but I just couldn't see it.

I truly believe it is because of great friends like Mike, that I am not curled up in a corner rocking like a mad woman!! Parents of children with RAD very frequently feel like horrible parents because no matter what we do, our children do not know how to show US they love us. They reject the love, but friends like Mike show me the light. They show me that I am not crazy (well, not completely) and that my kids do love me and that there is hope.

God has showed up so many times and I have failed to see it. Yesterday, He wouldn't leave my house until I saw Him. It started at 3 a.m. (again!!) and it didn't stop until I went to bed about 1 a.m. (I only got a 45 minute nap in yesterday so I was ready for anything!!) He first showed up when He woke me up and told me to take some time and take care of myself. So, without ANY interruption, I was able to take a 15 minute shower. That was nice, even if it was way too early in the morning.

Then I went back to bed about 5:30 and was woken up at 7:30 because God was in my living room. Well, it was actually a teenager from the neighborhood who missed the bus and feared waking up his mother to take him, so he came to me. Yeah, a kid from the neighborhood asked ME to give him a ride to school. I thanked God that this kid knew that he could trust me and that I would always have his best interest in mind. I loved the fact that this kid and I had a great conversation on the way to school and I learned that he was hurting but was not able to talk to his friends about it. He COULD talk to me about it...that makes me happy that he knows SOMEONE will listen.

I also got to watch my dear little Brooklyn on her birthday. Her mother also informed me that she had a friend in need and was wondering if I could help. Well, of course I would!! So, her friend came over and sat in my living room and talked to me. This girl did not recognize me, but I knew EXACTLY who she was. See, I knew her from my last job. She was a "guest" at the jail when I worked there. She had NO CLUE almost the whole time, who I was. I let her talk and tell me her story. She is currently homeless with a 2 year old and Brooklyn's mom is letting her stay with them until she can get a place. She is also just starting a new job and needs someone to watch her son so she can work. I told her that I would watch her son, no problem. She then asked how much I would charge her, I could see the shame and embarassment in her face in the fact that she had no money. I told her I would just watch her son so she could get back on her feet. She didn't need to worry about paying me, just find a home. The look on her face could keep me going for the rest of my life. It was if someone lifted every bad thing that has ever happened to her and she was free. It was at this point in the conversation she could relax and talk and laugh with me.

She eventually figured out who I was and almost hit the floor again. She just said, "why would you do this for me? I am a former inmate, you guys hated us." These words were just as powerful as Mike's. I am a Christian and I was not going to let HER suffer. When she left, she barely made it off the porch before she broke down and cried. I think at that moment, she felt God's hand on her. I could have done a back flip from the power I felt from the Holy Spirit at that moment.

My day continued with God coming in direct contact with me. We actually got a bank check back for extra money paid into our escrow AND our mortgage payment went down for the next year. Can you hear the Amen's coming???

Tyra had a great game last night, and she actually let me shower her with praise with how well she did. Can I get an AMEN there??? She NEVER let's me brag. I was over the moon with love. I even got to go to the grocery store without the kids and came home to everyone ready for bed.

God was all over the place yesterday. I'm sure He was there all those other days and I just didn't see Him. I love that even at my darkest point, I didn't give up. I could have and went back to my old ways, but my friends held strong to me. Their prayers for me were felt with the way the Holy Spirit fought with me everyday to see the light.

I would love to make a grand statement here that my life is going to be better from this point forward and I will never suffer or want again, but that is just not how life goes. I will say that my faithful friends will FOREVER mean the world to me with their words of advice and love they always have to share. And I am thankful that with everything I am going through, they stay strong for me too.

Thank you guys, and I love you more than you will EVER know or understand!!!

When life gets boring....

So, it's been a while since I have written. My life has gotten pretty interesting these last couple of weeks!! I guess I have learned the lesson that you NEVER tell God "I can't take anymore"...because He laughs and shows you that you CAN!!!

Well, there are a lot of things I would love to sit and write about, but a lot of them are very personal and would require me getting into religious debates with everyone. I am NOT a fan of doing that. I am VERY thankful for my faithful friends that I can confide in and bring those things up and I am very thankful for that they take the time and listen!

I have started the twins in therapy for Reactive Attachment Disorder. Many people have not heard of it. If you are familiar with it, you know my pain. I have said from the very first time I met the twins that something was different about them. There was just a feeling that somewhere deep inside, they were hiding something from us. Well, I started us on therapy back then and we have been through a few different counselors.

Unless your counselor has dealt with adoptions or is familiar with adoptions, they will misdiagnose this as everything under the sun but what it really is. And what it really is...is a BEAR!!! Due to the severe neglect the twins suffered before we got them, as is evident just by the fact that they grew almost a foot each in the first year they were with us, and possibly witnessing some domestic violence and drug activity, they developed coping skills that are cute and charming to everyone, but are just downright difficult for us as parents to deal with on a daily basis.

Have you ever gotten into a fist fight with your child because they would not pick up a tissue they dropped on the ground in front of you? Well, I have. I wasn't the one to take it to that, Tyrece was. He does those kinds of things frequently and has since the day he came home. To everyone else, it appears that I am a very uncaring, unloving, mean mother. Well, that is very far from the truth, but they MAKE you be that way.

RAD kids do NOT feel they are worthy of being loved, worthy of ANYTHING good and are SCARED when something good comes their way. So, they sabotage as much as they can!!

I found a counselor online that helps with these issues. And to make sure that I did not taint her view of me or the twins, I only told her what happened to them BEFORE they came to live with us. I ONLY told her the neglect that we DEFINITELY knew of before they were dropped off with the foster parents. SHE proceeded to tell me the next 10 years of my life. From the disrespectful talk, to the inability to punish them appropriately, to the fact that I felt like a failure as a parent, because most people saw me as that.

I was in tears, I broke down. To have that relief after a decade of everyone telling you that you have typical kids, and knowing deep down they were NOT...there are not enough words to describe that feeling. I felt validated, I felt relief, but most of all...I felt HOPE!!! Hope that the kids I had hoped to adopt and raise were actually there, they just didn't know how to accept anything I was trying to give them! They could accept the love from other people, they just could not accept the love I was trying to give them, because they did not feel they deserved good parent!

I am forever thankful for this lady, this angel who is giving me my sanity and my children back. I have already seen a difference with them. Tyra and I have been able to have conversations that before NEVER would have happened. Tyrece is still fighting this, but he will come around.

I just ask for everyone to continue to pray for us as we go through this healing. I ask everyone to respect the decisions the counselor, Tim and I make and help us to keep the kids going in the right direction. I truly believe you will LOVE the kids that I have always known were in there, but were scared to come out. I know I can't wait to get to know the REAL Tyra and Tyrece!!

I am also looking into maybe trying to get RAD out in the public more. There are so many things that people have raised awareness about, I think this needs some air time also!! If anyone has any ideas to help me in this mission, please feel free to contact me, and maybe I will not have to wait so long to put up another blog!!!

God bless, and have a great night!!

It Just Got Real

So, what is it like to be the mother of adopted children? Well, everyone has a different experience. I can only comment on my journey so far.

It started out with 7 years of infertility and being told that I was never going to be able to bear a child. I am fastforwarding through that part because it only consists of depression, a TON of doctors, tests that HURT and pretty much being told and convinced of the fact that you are not a "woman" by medical standards. What do I mean by this?? Well, woman was put here to give birth and bring forth life, and if you cannot do that, well, what IS your purpose??

So, let's get back to the adoption process. How many people do you know have to get a doctor's clearance to be a parent when they find out they are pregnant? How many people do you know have to submit fingerprints just to prove they can parent? I know a LOT of people in prisons and jails that have kids and no one questions them!! How many hours of classes were you required to take before you were allowed to take your child home from the hospital? Did anyone come and walk through your house and tell you to fix it up before your child was able to come home?

Well, we had to do all of that, as well as fill out a ton of paperwork and write a paper about our lives and go through MANY interviews even before we could be CONSIDERED to be parents. Sure does seem like a lot considering a lot of people only had to fit in the back seat of a Ford Escort to be blessed with their kids!!

Now, we have all of our paperwork in. You think 9 months is long to wait for a baby, try waiting ANY amount of time for a birth mother to walk into an office and decide that of all the profiles she is given to look at, yours is the best!! Our wait actually wasn't that long, but it sure seemed like an eternity. Most parents know what it is like to love their child from the day they found out they were pregnant. Well, in adoption, you fall in love when you make the first appointment!! You fall in love with a child that you know nothing about, not sure if they are born or not, or exactly how many there will be!! Love for a child comes from the feeling of wanting to be a parent. I knew I loved my kids when I was about 9 or 10 and decided I wanted to be a mom someday too!!

Then we got the call. Let the naysayers commence. I heard everything from "you aren't qualified to raise a black child", to "twins, are you crazy", to "do you think you will love them". All crazy comments, but they have NEVER stopped. I have heard if from before the twins came home, to just this weekend!! 10 years of being told how unqualified I was to be their parent.

Now, let's jump to the point when I WAS blessed with bearing my own child. Insert the comments of "do you regret adopting the twins now that you have your own kid?", "are you going to do the same for the babies as you did the twins?", "why did you buy that for Eleanor? You didn't get that for the twins!".

The one thing I think most people fail to recognize is that yes, I treat the girls different that the twins, mainly becuase of the huge difference in age!! I love each one of my kids differently. I actually have a lot of days where I feel like I am neglecting the girls a LOT!! I feel like I am not allowed to be the mom I want to be, because someone may see me doing something and instantly judge me because they didn't see me doing something for one of the other kids.

Name me ONE parent that has done the EXACT SAME THING for ALL of their children!! It is impossible. My mom did differently for each of us five kids, based on our likes and dislikes, and so do many others. I would never take Tyra to a fashion show to buy a bunch of dresses, but I would take the girls!! Why, Tyra is a tomboy...she HATES girly clothes!!!

I would never take the girls to a basketball game, but I would take the twins. Tyrece and Ellie love vegetables, Tyra and Millie would rather have meat. Ellie loves peanut butter, Millie doesn't like it. See what I'm getting at!!

Now, let's look at some facts that I know and you may not. The twins were severly neglected before they came to us. How do I know that?? Well, how many of your kids grew 10-12 inches in one year? How many of your kids did not know how to stop eating when they were full? My twins ate to the point of extending out their stomachs because they were never used to the next meal going to be there!!! Many of you have heard the story of Tyrece's first experience with an apple...he ate the core, stem, seeds and all!!

They were not in a stable environment before we got them. They moved around a LOT. We were told it was about every  six weeks or so. Now, imagine letting your kids bounce around that much, never calling you mom, and then hoping the develope normally later in life.

I have read many stories, seen many programs and have experienced for myself the difference between kids that were raised with love and ones that were tossed around. Tyrece and Tyra were mentally behind at the age of 4. Millie at the age of 3 is more advanced than they were!! Not because she is special or a genius, but because she has had the same home, interaction with people who love her and STABILITY!! All of those things are crucial for a child to grow up normally.

I am in the process of finding someone to help with diagnosing the twins with what I believe to be Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is something we were taught in all of those classes we had, yet I never thought I would actually be seeing it myself. I thought the love they got from us would be enough. Well, love cannot undo years of neglect. All it can do is go from there and help in any way it can!!

So, I have ranted enough, I think you may understand me a little bit more now, or not. Either way, I have gotten this out of my system. I am continuing on with my role as a parent of 4 here and 1 waiting for me in Heaven. I thank God for the opportunities to parent each one of these kids, no matter how much I want to beat them into next week!!

Approval of Others

Lord, I will follow You, no matter what that means. I will not play religious games in order to keep others' approval. I want the glory that comes from You alone. Amen - Joyce Meyer

Yes, I love Joyce Meyer. She is inspirational, yet real. She gives hope, yet tells you the downside to not listening to Him.

I find new ways to listen to Him all the time. Wether it be the small voice in the back of my head, or a word of wisdom from one of my kids. All too often I find myself giving my kids advice that I should be taking myself.

One particular day I was just having a rough time. I was hurt by some people, because people do that. I wasn't sure how to move on. Just then, Millie fell and scraped her knee. I looked at her and said, "It's ok, just get up, brush off the dirt and move on! You'll be ok if you don't let it bother you." Of course I instantly looked up and thanked God for giving me the answer I needed for that moment.

But listening to God, the Holy Spirit, is not a popular thing to do. I have listened to Him a lot lately and I can honestly say I am happy. I am not rich, I do not have a lot of possessions, I no longer have a good paying job. Yet, I am happier than I have ever been. Why? Because I listened to what God told me to do.

How was I sure that it was God telling me what to do? Well, every need I have had has been taken care of. Maybe not in the way I thought it should be, or maybe not in the manner I was used to, but it WAS taken care of. No food in the house, neighbor comes with extra chili he made. No clothes for the kids, donations come pouring in. No money in my pocket, God sends me an angel!!

The blessings that have come are overwhelming some days. For my daily devotionals I sometimes read The Confident Woman Devotional by Joyce Meyer (shocking). But then sometimes, I just turn on some great praise and worship music and sing until I can't sing anymore. Whatever it takes to connect with Him.

There are many needs in my life that I still have. I am waiting though. Waiting patiently for my Savior to fill them. I have NO doubt that He will. I just need to trust His timing for them. For so many years of my life I pushed to get the results I wanted. Didn't quite work out so well for me. I have MANY past regrets and decisions I would take into consideration a LOT longer than I had in the past. But, God is faithful. I have surrendered my life to Him, He has forgotten everything and helped me to start new.

This new life, new day, new dreams are more than I ever could have imagined for myself. I have the GREATEST friends EVER!!! I never imagined that my best friends would be a school teacher, professor, nurse, Pastor, Youth Pastor, office professional, stay-at-home mom's (domestic CEO's), the list goes on. God has put each one of the most awesome people in my life at just the right time. I thank Him for them EVERY chance I get. I can also call on each one of them whenever I need.

For years I surrounded myself with friends that were just negative and NOT leading me in a right direction. I have not forgotten them, I pray for them. I pray they can find the joy I have. I pray they are ok. I am not better than them. They are and always be my friends, we just aren't in the same place right now.

I am beginning my next step in my weight loss journey, and this time I have the benefit of having a friend of 22 years join me in this attempt. I am thankful for her willingness to join me. I am excited to see where this takes us. I am hoping it connects us on a deeper level, making our outsides look like our insides feel. She is such a constant person. Constant in her friendship and constant in her uplifiting words she gives me everyday. I can't wait to stand side by side with her and celebrate our success.

I leave you with these words...read them, over and over until each word gives you meaning. It is a true statement. Not just inspirational jibber jabber. It is the word of God and He has shown me these words to be true. And He will for you too if you just believe!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Where did my attention span go???

Hello everyone!! I am starting a blog because I have tried many times to write a book, but I just cannot stay on topic. Hence the title "Where did my attention span go?"

So, this blog is going to serve as an outlet to let you know the random thoughts that run through my head. Most of them are due to experiences with my four kids, so be prepared to hear a lot about them!! If you don't like to hear about my kids and my love for Jesus, then just stop reading here!!

Ok, I warned you....here it goes!! On November 20, 2011 I was baptized by my pastor Phil Dorries. I had a GREAT summer reading the book Dangerous Wonder by Michael Yaconnelli, I highly recommend the book, and had come to a clarity that I have NEVER had before!! The book helped me to appreciate my kids, my God and my life in a way that seemed foreign to me. To finally understand what it meant to be loved without condition...amazing. To know that there is a God in Heaven, and understand a little bit of His will for me, words cannot describe.

I had been working for a long time in an environment that was FILLED everyday with negativity. It was a rare ocassion to have a good day without someone making sure you felt worthless!! I realized how miserable I was there and tried to make things different. But when you are surrounded by so much evil and negativity, even the strongest light can be extinguished. In March, I decided to leave my job and be a stay at home mom, a Domestic Engineer, a CEO of Child Development...whatever you want to call it.

Now, many people THINK they know my life. Many people THINK they know the truth about everything. I am here to tell you, NO ONE knows me more than me!! Over the last year, I have grown so much! I have FINALLY figured out who I am and what I am meant to do and have become even more confident in myself. I am at a place that it is safe for me to lose weight, not for any reason other than I want to LOOK on the outside how I FEEL on the inside.

I don't think there are enough words in the universe to explain my joy. My joy comes from God. My joy comes from my kids. My joy comes from seeing Christ in others. If I ever have a day that I start to feel down, I grab my Bible and start to read Matthew 6. I read the words that I am not to worry, not to fear, God will provide. He has provided, He will provide and He has a plan for me.

So, I have rambled on for a bit, I am going to leave this at this point and look for more ramblings from my crazy brain to be posted again!!

Have a great day and remember, GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!