Well, that was sure a nice dream.
I never thought I would have such a hard time doing the one thing I so desperately wanted to do. And then after seven years of failed attempts, I finally did become a mother through the wonderful gift of adoption. I was so blind to what was actually happening. I became a mother to a beautiful daughter and a very handsome son. They were always smiling and giggling. They loved to be around people and eat and eat and eat.
I had already been through some pretty tough times before that, so once the kids came along everything would be just great. My life would continue on, I would get family pictures done and everyone would be wearing matching clothes and great big smiles on their faces. We would go on family vacations and to parties and short weekend getaways to recharge ourselves for the week ahead of us.
Well, that was also a pretty nice dream.
We did get to go on some vacations, they were always surrounded by fighting, groundings and just plain defiance that I just could not understand. Parties were the worst. Most times the twins were grounded before we even got to the party. No one could understand why we were punishing our perfectly beautiful children. They were always so happy and smiling, they did not see the hell that was going on behind closed doors. I didn't want to believe the hell that was going on behind those doors.
I would like to think that I could fix whatever happened in their past. I tried to fix it. It turns out I only had bandages for some of the worst breaks one can imagine. I have since learned a lot, but probably not all, of the damage that was done in the four short years before they came to be with me. I have also been trained on how to handle most, not all, of their behaviors and disabilities. Oh what I would give to reverse any of those four years.
Who would ever think, looking at those adorable faces, that evil had already crept upon them. The damage was done and unable to be told. Those faces had so much joy to them, you would have never thought.
As I have gone through this journey of motherhood, I have never felt so under-qualified, unloved and overwhelmed. This is not the dream I had. The dream of long walks and picnics has never happened. Quiet evenings sitting around a table playing games, coloring, eating ice cream...they are usually interrupted with some sort of outburst of a behavior that the thrill or fun is gone. There are usually counseling appointments, doctor appointments, trips to the pharmacy or other chaos going on that quiet nights are about once a month or so.
I still have a dream as a mother, though. I have two younger children that have not seen Disney World yet. I will get them there. Not sure how I am going to do that just yet, but the dream is not dead. I have a dream that I will someday be able to take all four children on a vacation together, maybe to Atlanta to see a good friend of mine, maybe to Arizona to see the desert. I'm not sure, but that dream is also not dead.
I also know that each of these lives I am held responsible for are being taught that they were put here to impact someone else. I have changed a pattern in my life and I do not just drop my children off at church to learn about God, but I have taken an active role in the spiritual upbringing of them. I love to hear them ask me questions about God. The best part is, I usually don't know the exact answer either, and we look it up or search out the answer together. We learn together. We are growing together.
Though the evils of the world have crept upon my children, despite my hardest efforts to stop it, though the days are long and oh so tiring, though the laundry pile never seems to end...my dream of motherhood has not died. Until my last breath, I will do what I can on a daily basis to better the lives of my children. They will see their mom fight. They will see their mom work. They will even see their mom cry. But they will not be afraid to ask why, because they know it is all for them. Every breath, every tear, every scar was worth the effort.
My love for them can only be outmatched by the love my God has for me. It brings me to my knees thinking about that for even a second. I KNOW what I would do for them, I can't wrap my head around what He has done and is STILL doing for me. If you do not know this love, you do not have to have children to learn about it. You can read, and reread it. It will make sense to you when you open your heart and let it in. And when you do, the evils of the world will never make you doubt for one second that God is great....ALL THE TIME!!!
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