Was I Ready For This??

I remember being 11 years old, laying in my bed and looking up at the moon one night and wondering what my future held in store for me. Now, in those daydreams, I will admit, many intricate details were left out.

Let me explain, you dream of being a mother, of being pregnant, of holding this little bundle of joy that is the cutest little thing you could ever imagine...and then you finally get pregnant. Who was supposed to warn you of all of the things that were to come after the positive test? What To Expect When You're Expecting was pretty good, but there were things that were left out there also, probably for the gross factor.

I think there was a lot of things omitted from the book because some silly little editor thought it would be a good idea to let a few things surprise you. For instance, I have talked to many a woman that suffered from TGS. What IS TGS you ask? Trapped Gas Syndrome. Yes, folks, there is such a thing.

You see, as the baby gets bigger and squishes (because there is no nice word to accurately describe that) your intestines up, it becomes more difficult for the gas bubbles to move through your system. In turn, you get in bed and toss and turn a bit and BAM....here they come!!! Loud enough to wake you up in your own sleep!!! That is never a fun time!

Now, about the increased bathroom trips, those are not fun either. Sneezing has never been such a dreaded thing in my LIFE until I was pregnant. I felt one coming and I RAN for the bathroom, one time I even left a store as I was entering it because, well, you know.

And that isn't the only thing in life you get to enjoy. When you pictured yourself with your beautiful bundle of joy, did you ever imagine you would hear some of the loudest flatulence or see some of the craziest colors of feces in your wildest dreams from something so tiny? The first time Eleanor let one, I almost had to wipe myself!!

So, now you have your perfect bundle of everything you ever dreamed of and now you find yourself in the role of an accountant. Does what goes in match what comes out? Are you measuring and charting how many ounces are consumed against each diaper, and don't forget to add a separate column to track the poop. Yes, you need to know how many times or how often that little angel drops a doodie!!

I could not tell you how many times over the last 12 years of motherhood I have put a band aid on a boo-boo, pulled out loose teeth, rushed to the ER for x-rays, cleaned infected toe nails, caught vomit in my hands, shirt, pants or whatever was closest to me, sucked mucus out of noses, cleaned wax and other things out of ears, been peed on, pooped on, cleaned up restroom stalls after they "almost" made it, enemas, IV's, suppositories, rashes, ringworm, UTI's, collected urine samples and stool samples, bee stings, tummy aches, strange bruises, knocks to the head (not afflicted by me), cuts to areas we don't want to mention....and they STILL think I need to take a CNA course to know how to take care of a person???

Bodily fluids don't scare me!! Blood, schmlood!!! I will NOT say that I have seen it all, because I do NOT want to tempt fate. But what I want to know is, where is the book that prepares you for all of that? We read about the Prince and the Princess live happily ever after, or that the momma bear and poppa bear have so much fun with their family, why not put out a book that prepares you for the rest?

Oh, and let's not forget too that while you are dealing with all of these things from your cuddly little pookie bear your OWN body is doing some pretty strange things too. Your breasts are sore, leaking and dying to be left alone, I had two C-sections so my scars both time were sore and itchy and didn't like me doing too much, your feet swell to the size of Fred Flintstone, and let's just skip the part of losing the weight you gained.

Shoes no longer fit, your favorite pants will be shelved for a while, you find yourself becoming VERY comfortable in the maternity jeans because "it doesn't bother my scar" and other lies you tell yourself. Your hair falls out, skin changes, pedicures aren't kept up so well for a while, ponytails are your best friend and so are hoodies.

But, in the end, sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you have the pleasure of putting four people together, who never would have met if it wasn't for you, and creating best friends for life. Ok, so the twins were always kind of stuck with each other...but, you know what I mean.