A letter to my children
To the most important people in my life,
I will start off by telling you that it has been the greatest accomplishment of my life to be called mother. No matter how you made your appearance in my life, you gave me the one title I longed for and I thank you for that.
Now, you may think it crazy that I thank you when if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in this family. But, I want you to know I am forever indebted to you and that you owe me nothing.
I want to talk to you about love. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I was in love. I thought I loved people. Until each and every one of you entered my life, I now know that I was so wrong on love. Sure, people say they never knew love until they held their child in their arms, and I do believe I was introduced to love at that point.
But I was taught the true meaning of unconditional love for a person and I was not sure how I would make out with that test. See, a lot of parents say they would die for their children to make sure they were safe. But, would you also love that child if they did one of the most despicable acts known to man? Would you love that child if they had a drug addiction? Would you love them if they hurt another one of your children? Think about that long and hard.
I do. I love each and every one of you, no matter what. You can never take away my love. No one else can ever make me not love you. I will support and help you through every battle, even if it is against me. I took responsibility for your lives, I will be there.
Do you ever notice how I stare at you from time to time? I am not trying to be annoying, but I am making a mental picture of what you look like at that moment. I realize how many small memories we have made have slipped through the cracks and I am trying not to lose all of them. I know I have probably gone overboard on you from time to time, good and bad, and I will not apologize for that. I was not given a book of instructions on each one of you. We have been learning each other from the day we met.
I hope you have gotten from me over the years that I will always be there for you. It may not be in a physical presence, but I have made sure we have pictures of us together. I have made sure when you have gone through certain milestones or trials my voice is one you hear with words to comfort, teach and grow with. I would hope that one day when I am gone, you still hear my voice and smile at the thought of "I bet Mom would have said this...".
A few things I want to put into words for you is that I hope you learn to love and trust. These are lessons I had learned through the years, mostly through trials and failures. I would love to shield you from the times people will let you down, but I cannot. I would love to shield you from the hurt that I have gone through, I would love to not see scars on your heart. But I also know that to truly learn to love, some scars need to be present. Know that I will be there with the biggest hug you need when these hurts happen. I will not let you go through it alone.
I never want to hear the words, "Where were you?" when you speak to me about a time you went through something difficult. I want to hear "Thanks for being there, Mom". And I hope when you someday have children of your own you love them as deeply as I do you.
I want you to know that I have made so many mistakes in my life. I was never perfect and I hope I never made you think you had to be also. We are all human, we will not succeed in everything we do. But, if you take your mistakes and learn from them, that will forever be seen as a success in my eyes. I hope I have been that example to you. Always fight for what you think is right, always stand your ground, always say what you mean, never fear what others may think, never forget to share a smile daily, be kind, be generous, be love.
I pray daily that I will make you proud to call me Mom at any point of your life. I pray daily that when you grow older I am the first one you call in times of celebration or sadness. I want to share all of your memories with you. I will NEVER be too involved in my own life to not take a moment for you.
We have been through so many things so far, I have tried to shield you from evil and failed. I have tried to block bad things from coming your way, but I was not strong enough to stop them. I thank you for holding on with me as we make our way through this life. Please don't ever let go of me. I will never let you go.
I have each curve of your faces memorized. You probably have thought I was weird, but I loved to hold you and smell your hair. I can tell each one of you by that now. I have spent hours studying you. How you hold a pen, different ways you walk or run, the look of concentration on your faces. I have spent hours in tears over you and for you. I pray when you find someone to love you do the same for them, either your own children or the person you chose to go through life with.
I truly feel that a lot of the pain and hurt I have gone through is so I can be strong for you when you feel you cannot go another step. The extent my heart has been hurt, lied to and deceived is something I pray you never have to experience. But if you find yourself there, we will get through it.
Trust is not an easy thing to gain or keep. It is broken quickly and rebuilt over an extended amount of time. Hold tight to the trust others have in you, do not break it!
You will NOT fall in love like they do in the movies, songs or books. Life does not have a script. No one will ever fit exactly into the shoes you want them to, and that is ok. They will have flaws, as do you. What you learn is how to live with and work with those differences and still want to be with them at the end of the day. Don't walk away from a fight, finish your thoughts and get it in the open. Words kept inside can kill a relationship, but also can kill who you are. And that goes for your friends as well.
Always look at things from someone else's perception before you decide what is right and wrong. Always stop to appreciate blooms on flowers, bugs in the dirt, animals behaving like animals and the wind on a hot summer day.
Most of all I want you to know that my life was not complete until you came into it. Each one completed me in a different way. There is no other person alive that could ever complete me because you all fill my heart every second of every day, there are no holes or gaps.
I love each and every one of you for just being you. That is all I have ever wanted and will be forever proud of you.
I remember being 11 years old, laying in my bed and looking up at the moon one night and wondering what my future held in store for me. Now, in those daydreams, I will admit, many intricate details were left out.
Let me explain, you dream of being a mother, of being pregnant, of holding this little bundle of joy that is the cutest little thing you could ever imagine...and then you finally get pregnant. Who was supposed to warn you of all of the things that were to come after the positive test? What To Expect When You're Expecting was pretty good, but there were things that were left out there also, probably for the gross factor.
I think there was a lot of things omitted from the book because some silly little editor thought it would be a good idea to let a few things surprise you. For instance, I have talked to many a woman that suffered from TGS. What IS TGS you ask? Trapped Gas Syndrome. Yes, folks, there is such a thing.
You see, as the baby gets bigger and squishes (because there is no nice word to accurately describe that) your intestines up, it becomes more difficult for the gas bubbles to move through your system. In turn, you get in bed and toss and turn a bit and BAM....here they come!!! Loud enough to wake you up in your own sleep!!! That is never a fun time!
Now, about the increased bathroom trips, those are not fun either. Sneezing has never been such a dreaded thing in my LIFE until I was pregnant. I felt one coming and I RAN for the bathroom, one time I even left a store as I was entering it because, well, you know.
And that isn't the only thing in life you get to enjoy. When you pictured yourself with your beautiful bundle of joy, did you ever imagine you would hear some of the loudest flatulence or see some of the craziest colors of feces in your wildest dreams from something so tiny? The first time Eleanor let one, I almost had to wipe myself!!
So, now you have your perfect bundle of everything you ever dreamed of and now you find yourself in the role of an accountant. Does what goes in match what comes out? Are you measuring and charting how many ounces are consumed against each diaper, and don't forget to add a separate column to track the poop. Yes, you need to know how many times or how often that little angel drops a doodie!!
I could not tell you how many times over the last 12 years of motherhood I have put a band aid on a boo-boo, pulled out loose teeth, rushed to the ER for x-rays, cleaned infected toe nails, caught vomit in my hands, shirt, pants or whatever was closest to me, sucked mucus out of noses, cleaned wax and other things out of ears, been peed on, pooped on, cleaned up restroom stalls after they "almost" made it, enemas, IV's, suppositories, rashes, ringworm, UTI's, collected urine samples and stool samples, bee stings, tummy aches, strange bruises, knocks to the head (not afflicted by me), cuts to areas we don't want to mention....and they STILL think I need to take a CNA course to know how to take care of a person???
Bodily fluids don't scare me!! Blood, schmlood!!! I will NOT say that I have seen it all, because I do NOT want to tempt fate. But what I want to know is, where is the book that prepares you for all of that? We read about the Prince and the Princess live happily ever after, or that the momma bear and poppa bear have so much fun with their family, why not put out a book that prepares you for the rest?
Oh, and let's not forget too that while you are dealing with all of these things from your cuddly little pookie bear your OWN body is doing some pretty strange things too. Your breasts are sore, leaking and dying to be left alone, I had two C-sections so my scars both time were sore and itchy and didn't like me doing too much, your feet swell to the size of Fred Flintstone, and let's just skip the part of losing the weight you gained.
Shoes no longer fit, your favorite pants will be shelved for a while, you find yourself becoming VERY comfortable in the maternity jeans because "it doesn't bother my scar" and other lies you tell yourself. Your hair falls out, skin changes, pedicures aren't kept up so well for a while, ponytails are your best friend and so are hoodies.
But, in the end, sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you have the pleasure of putting four people together, who never would have met if it wasn't for you, and creating best friends for life. Ok, so the twins were always kind of stuck with each other...but, you know what I mean.
When I decided I wanted to be a mother, I thought I would have four beautiful children, well behaved, completely in love with me, never have to see or experience the evils of the world and children that would be so happy and well adjusted.
Well, that was sure a nice dream.
I never thought I would have such a hard time doing the one thing I so desperately wanted to do. And then after seven years of failed attempts, I finally did become a mother through the wonderful gift of adoption. I was so blind to what was actually happening. I became a mother to a beautiful daughter and a very handsome son. They were always smiling and giggling. They loved to be around people and eat and eat and eat.
I had already been through some pretty tough times before that, so once the kids came along everything would be just great. My life would continue on, I would get family pictures done and everyone would be wearing matching clothes and great big smiles on their faces. We would go on family vacations and to parties and short weekend getaways to recharge ourselves for the week ahead of us.
Well, that was also a pretty nice dream.
We did get to go on some vacations, they were always surrounded by fighting, groundings and just plain defiance that I just could not understand. Parties were the worst. Most times the twins were grounded before we even got to the party. No one could understand why we were punishing our perfectly beautiful children. They were always so happy and smiling, they did not see the hell that was going on behind closed doors. I didn't want to believe the hell that was going on behind those doors.
I would like to think that I could fix whatever happened in their past. I tried to fix it. It turns out I only had bandages for some of the worst breaks one can imagine. I have since learned a lot, but probably not all, of the damage that was done in the four short years before they came to be with me. I have also been trained on how to handle most, not all, of their behaviors and disabilities. Oh what I would give to reverse any of those four years.
Who would ever think, looking at those adorable faces, that evil had already crept upon them. The damage was done and unable to be told. Those faces had so much joy to them, you would have never thought.
As I have gone through this journey of motherhood, I have never felt so under-qualified, unloved and overwhelmed. This is not the dream I had. The dream of long walks and picnics has never happened. Quiet evenings sitting around a table playing games, coloring, eating ice cream...they are usually interrupted with some sort of outburst of a behavior that the thrill or fun is gone. There are usually counseling appointments, doctor appointments, trips to the pharmacy or other chaos going on that quiet nights are about once a month or so.
I still have a dream as a mother, though. I have two younger children that have not seen Disney World yet. I will get them there. Not sure how I am going to do that just yet, but the dream is not dead. I have a dream that I will someday be able to take all four children on a vacation together, maybe to Atlanta to see a good friend of mine, maybe to Arizona to see the desert. I'm not sure, but that dream is also not dead.
I also know that each of these lives I am held responsible for are being taught that they were put here to impact someone else. I have changed a pattern in my life and I do not just drop my children off at church to learn about God, but I have taken an active role in the spiritual upbringing of them. I love to hear them ask me questions about God. The best part is, I usually don't know the exact answer either, and we look it up or search out the answer together. We learn together. We are growing together.
Though the evils of the world have crept upon my children, despite my hardest efforts to stop it, though the days are long and oh so tiring, though the laundry pile never seems to end...my dream of motherhood has not died. Until my last breath, I will do what I can on a daily basis to better the lives of my children. They will see their mom fight. They will see their mom work. They will even see their mom cry. But they will not be afraid to ask why, because they know it is all for them. Every breath, every tear, every scar was worth the effort.
My love for them can only be outmatched by the love my God has for me. It brings me to my knees thinking about that for even a second. I KNOW what I would do for them, I can't wrap my head around what He has done and is STILL doing for me. If you do not know this love, you do not have to have children to learn about it. You can read, and reread it. It will make sense to you when you open your heart and let it in. And when you do, the evils of the world will never make you doubt for one second that God is great....ALL THE TIME!!!
