I'm not sure why, but this year, the year I should have had the most fun since I was not working, was just not the best for me. It could be I had more time to hear about how much money everyone was spending, or how others would be mad if they didn't get the latest gadgets for Christmas.
Wouldn't it be awesome if just one year, people stopped worrying about what to GET people for Christmas and worried more about what they could DO for someone else?
I have been witness to many people in need this year. I have had times that I was in need. My needs were fulfilled when I truly went into prayer and asked God to help me with what I needed at the moment. People were an answer to prayer for me this year. And I have tried to be an answer to prayer for others as much as I can.
So why is it then that I am so cynical this year??? Is it because people are still human and tend to lie or be decietful. People are cruel to each other. We find a million reasons why we are cruel and lie, but never concentrate as a whole on what we can do to help.
We will campaign and lobby for change, but then turn around and hurt another just as quick! I couldn't begin to count the number of times I have heard "I'm a nice guy, I don't lie" or "Trust me, I won't tell anyone" or even "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help". I hear these a lot, but have not seen one of them come through.
If I tell a person that I will help them, I do. I don't offer to do anything to help if I don't fully intend to do so. And I do, A LOT. And often at the expense of my own happiness. My plans change a lot, mostly to help out other people. I do this so often, I have really began to just not make plans for myself because they usually never stick.
Life gets in the way most days. I have ideas of things I would like to do, and then as the day goes along I get a phone call from someone in need and I change my plans to help that one out. Now, yes, I could tell the person no, but then I know exactly how they feel. I get that no WAY TOO OFTEN. I know what it is like to be stuck and not have a hand to hold.
These last couple of years I have learned a lot. I have grown up, finally. Not that I wanted to, but because I was forced to. I have learned how to do inside and outside house projects. I get help sometimes, but not that often. I usually have to Google how to do a project or ask a bunch of people the best way to do something, but I usually end up doing it all myself.
I am very self reliant now too. I used to depend on others to help me out, but that has gone to the wayside because something usually gets broke or so messed up that I have to undo what it was they did and redo it all over again. Now, I am NOT that picky. I can conform (to everything except how my towels are folded. More on that OCD later). I just have learned not to ask or expect too much out of people, because they will not be there for you when you need it.
We make vows on our wedding days, we make vows as parents, we make vows as christians...but do we ever stick to them? Or when the going gets tough, we abandon those vows. Or is it a matter of comfort? Does one person make the vow and does their best to stick with it that the other person thinks they don't have to try as hard.
Call it what you want, but as a whole, humans suck. I have had my times that I have HAD to say no, and I was made to feel like an ass for doing so. And I have had times I have not held up my end of the vows I have made through life. But, that doesn't mean I give up and quit trying, or try to make amends. But then, I get trampled on again, which in turn makes me not want to keep trying.
This could be the reason I am so cynical this time of year. Why is it when the time to get presents comes around, kids start behaving, friends come around more or people resurface in your life?? Is it because they truly like you or because they want a present from you. I have said every year that there is not one single solitary MATERIAL gift I want for Christmas. I WANT for nothing that can be bought at the store.
The only thing I want for is for someone to look me straight in the face and tell me they love me, if for no other reason than because I am their friend. Last night in bed, Ellie rolled over and kissed me on the cheek. I asked her why she did that and her reply was "Well, I kindaly love you and your cheek looked like it needed a kiss." Now THAT was an awesome present. For a split second of her day, she thought of nothing more than to give me a kiss. WOW!!! Millie loves to just sit on my lap and put her hands on my face. Again, another moment that just takes my breath away.
I have friends that sometimes I just send them a text, an email or something just to let them know that I love them or was thinking of them. Time, a kind thought, a small gesture, just something to show someone that their existence is wanted and appreciated in this world.
Now, about this world. It is messed up. It has been since the beginning of time. But why have we never learned any lessons? Well, part of that is selfish greed. Do you REALLY need that shirt in EVERY color? Do you REALLY need 60 pairs of shoes when there are others that have none? I have been known to just give stuff away when I see people need it. It makes me feel good. If you ever hear I'm having a garage sale, this is the place to be!!! I usually try to give everything away for a quarter or less.
I don't need it, you do, TAKE IT!!! What would the world look like if people did that more often? Would there be less stealing if they thought that someone may be able to fill their need just by asking? Would there be less violence because there would not be a need to have something better than someone else? Who knows?
All I know is that my Christmas Spirit is lacking and I have asked God to help me to find it. I know what I WANT for Christmas, but I guess I will just have to wait and see what God thinks I need. It has been the same request for years and years. People say be patient, stay faithful and God will provide. I have been patient, but it just seems to be trickling away, getting worse and worse every year.
I am not going to tell you what it is I want, that would be cheating. I have told the One that needs to know, and I guess I will just go back to my coffee, do some laundry, make some lunch and clean the house until that day comes.
If only I could go back to being 5 and thinking that the Prince was real and there was a fairy tale to live out. If only I could get back the innocence that people were good and had true intentions. If only I could dance like I wanted and didn't care if anyone was watching, or break out into a random song and no once thougth it was odd.
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