Once we used to go out to dinner and have conversations that lasted hours. You were able to order your own food, read the menu with no difficulties, even walk in the front door without assistance. Now, with your vision failing, your muscles weak, your legs unable to carry your weight with ease, I help you with all of that.
I do not hold a medical degree in any field of study, but I know your medical conditions better than most. They give a diagnosis, I study. They have theories, I study. They do tests, I study. I told them of illnesses that you had before they came with a final answer.
I read every article, listen to every story, watch as many shows that talk about the illness as I can. You experience everything I read. You have no idea of some of the typical symptoms of the illness, nor do you realize you are following classic paths after a trauma.
I sit and watch you as you go day to day. Every task a struggle, every memory even more dear as you attempt to hold on to them. I remind you kindly of the ones you may have forgotten. Of course I do not let on that I have told you the same memory six times over the last month or so.
When you are not around, I set up certain things in their places so you do not get confused. I am relentlessly moving things off the floor and out of a direct path so you do not fall. I plan outings ahead of time, plotting in my head which ones you are the most familiar with as to not trigger any spells.
I go ahead of you sometimes or contact those we may encounter to let them know we are coming and what to expect. In public, you are the same person you always were. They do not see the struggles I do. To have any of those happen in public causes you embarrassment.
I kick myself sometimes when I get mad and yell at you. I tend to forget the person that was once viewed as a teammate has now taken the role of dependent. The conversations are much different now, more of short spurts of engagement in place of the hour long debates. I usually tend to agree or not differ too much from what you say in order to make things go smoother.
Dreams I once had are viewed much different now. The diploma you earned would do me much more good now than it is for you. But, I cannot borrow that. Instead I get to be looked at as unfortunate that I did not go to college.
The knowledge I have in so many different things could have never been taught to me sitting in a classroom. They do not teach you how to look into a persons eyes and feel what it is they need most at that moment. They do not teach you how to read into body language with each new obstacle. They never could have taught me the strength I have that has gotten through each event, and in our own way overcome.
The person I have become while transforming into the Caregiver is so much braver, smarter and headstrong than I could have ever imagined. There doesn't seem to be too many problems that arise that I am not capable of tackling. The compassion I now feel for so many others has made my once jaded outlook on the future one that is full of opportunity to help and empower others.
Independent is one word that I never thought would come to mind when describing myself to others, but I know without a doubt I can do whatever crosses my path. There is no fear when going someplace for the first time, alone, with no idea what I may encounter.
Love has taken on a whole new meaning too. I know what it is to love someone. I know what it means to show someone you love them. The thing that I cannot remember is being in love. I know at some point in my life I was, or thought I was. But responsibilities and life have taken that away from me for now. There may be a time when that part of me comes back, but for now, I have duties to attend to. Lives depend on me.
The luxury of being carefree is no longer in my repertoire. The story line is serious, the supporting cast is dwindling, only a few faithful followers left. I do appreciate the faithful, the patient, the like minded souls that are traveling the same journey. I have lost a few of those close to me that held my hand along the way. I feel them everyday, encouraging me. I reach for my phone to call and remember that there are no phones where they are. But I know what each would say if I could update them.
The one thing I have severely neglected is my vision. I received some great inspiration today as to how to get that vision back. My vision is very cloudy, blurry and obstructed. The interruptions on the goal have somehow taken over. But I will continue to press on.
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