How long do you have to know someone before it becomes acceptable to grieve them when they die? What is the appropriate amount of sadness you are allowed to feel? Who decides this crap anyway???
I have known people my entire life and when they pass, I have felt no strong emotion for them. Then there are a few who were in my life for less than an decade and I'm still not "over" the grieving process.
I have a family I have become friends with over the last three years. I met them when I moved to a new neighborhood. Actually, I met their son when I moved. Austin Barnett was the first neighbor I became acquainted with. He became a regular fixture around my house. It took me a few days to figure out where he lived though. He just seemed to appear now and then when I was unpacking, making dinner, getting home from work...whatever.
It never failed, I pulled into the driveway, there was Austin. Usually asking where my older two children were. I didn't know much about him at first, other than he was a very polite child that didn't appear to be much older than my younger two children. I was finally able to talk to Austin for a bit, my kids must have been busy at that moment. It was then I learned about his brain tumor he had. At that point it was past tense.
Now, one thing you must know about my house is that I love to be the house all the kids gather at. It is not a new occurrence to have more than my own children at any meal or in the van on the way to the store. I love that kids always felt familiar with me enough to just be kids and have fun in, on or around my house.
During the two years we lived across the street from Austin, I got to know his parents and sister. This family, they are a rare kind. The kindness that comes from each one, the laughs they like to share, the way they just welcome you into their lives...I am blessed to know each and every one of them. I have felt at home with them from the start.
Not too long after we moved in, Austin's brain tumor returned. I have known kids with cancer before, but none on such a level as this. They were stories in a paper I had read, donation bins at the local gas station with pictures of the kids smiling, or advertisements for charities asking for donations.
This kid was in my living room, my backyard, my driveway. I now hated cancer more than I ever had in my entire life. This kid walked into my life and made sure that he left prints on my heart. This kid shares a birthday with my youngest child. I will always remember him.
Does the fact that I only knew him three plus years of his life lessen the amount of pain I have for this family? Does it mean I am only allowed to cry once and move on? Does it mean I cannot share his story because I wasn't there for the entire time?
I think if you would have asked him, he would tell you with a loud "FUCK NO!"
You see, Austin wanted his story told as many times as he could have it. He wanted to become a doctor to help other kids with cancer. He could blurt out his diagnosis just as fluently as any educated doctor could and he didn't mind telling you they don't have a cure yet either.
I grieve for this kid and his family.
How about a woman that has a miscarriage days after finding out she was pregnant? Does she only have a short time to grieve since she wasn't pregnant for very long? What about a student that loses a teacher? Are you allowed to grieve a coworker? There are a million different scenarios.
I recently read an article that talked about how Western Civilization has the grieving process all wrong. I fully agree.
Do not gauge how long you should grieve, IF you should grieve, or where you should grieve by watching the person next to you. Every one of us is different. I grieve by crying and then thinking of the most hilarious memory I have of the person I am grieving. Depending on how/why the person died, I can sometimes get mad. Sometimes all three at the same time.
If we stop putting timelines on grief we may find people that still need us. Just because it has been a year doesn't mean it is getting easier. My grandmother died in 2003. I miss her more today and catch myself crying when I think of all the things I wanted to talk to her about. I know it would be near impossible for her to still be here, she was born in 1912, I still long for her presence.
I am going to say that I believe the amount of grief a person has for another is in direct correlation to the impact they had on your life. I do not have a college degree, data to analyze on this point, or any other way to prove this, but it just makes sense. The type of grief you have is another story. Some of us cry, some act out, and some just remain quiet.
The point in all of this is simple, grieve...just grieve. Quit judging those who are grieving, just listen to them for a minute and you may help them through a tough point in their grieving process.
