My father recently passed away. I didn't really know a lot about him, besides the stories my mother told me and the few times I had him in my life when I was older. His title most of my life was "my biological father". Mainly because I was so young when my parents divorced that I had always referred to my step-father as my "Dad".
I have learned so much about him since his passing that I would have loved to have been able to talk to him more and learn a bit more. But it has mainly been on the paperwork I have gone through that has brought me the most insight as to the titles he took through his life. Some he chose, some given.
For most of my life I always just felt "different". That was my title. I wasn't the blood offspring of my "dad" that I grew up with. I didn't look like his family. I honestly didn't even look like my maternal grandparents or their family either. Figuring out how I fit in was just always a normal reaction to just about any situation. I have family I call family that is no longer "legally" my family. Once my mom and step-dad divorced, it legally severed that tie. But many of those family members still call me family.
Some of my family that belongs to my biological side, don't know me or don't call me family. I don't put any ill feelings toward that, I wasn't around for most of their lives. I am very fond of the idea that I still have grandparents around though. Both of my fathers parent's are still here...91 and 87...and boy am I having fun getting to know them and spending time with them.
My life took on new titles when this happened. I have people that call me "granddaughter", "niece" and "cousin"...and I fit in. I look like them. I don't have to figure any part of that out. Those are all titles I have gladly taken on.
One of my favorite titles is "Mom". I have so much fun with this title. But with it came some others that I didn't choose; "fighter", "defender", "advocate", "victim". Other titles I have had or still have in my life are "sister", "aunt", "wife", "friend", "officer", "financial adviser", and a bunch of others that could fill a page. Now, some of those titles were chosen, some given without choice.
A title I have never had, "college graduate". Does that make any of my other titles less worthwhile? No, I have had a lot of life teaching to take up some of that slack. I learn so much better by experience than reading, but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to take college courses. I have just never had the opportunity.
Now, back to my father's paperwork...I saw some papers he signed to take some titles. "Husband", "father", "ex-husband", "Marine", "tenant"...and then I saw a signature that brought me to instant tears. My father signed a paper to get help with his living situation and the line he signed gave him the title of "transient". Wow, with all of the other titles he had through life, to sign a line to claim that as his title, just knocked me down. Who starts off their life with the expectation to ever have to take that title? No one.
It has been a year since the first half of this was written. Boy how much you can learn in a year. I didn't post it, mainly because I wasn't done. I didn't know where to go with it. I wasn't sure what I was trying to get out of it. Well, I can tell you now.
Inspiration. That is a title I have now given my biological father. He has been an inspiration to me, and also to my sister. We were always different, not able to do the same as everyone else, somehow always expected to fail. We were never given the same support our other siblings did. We fought a lot for everything we have. But we were given inspiration from our father.
Inspiration for what? Well, my sister quit her job of 17ish years. I was talking to her on the phone one day and she said "I quit daycare." My reply was one of recognition of what she told me, but I didn't really grasp what she had told me. We hung up, and two hours later I called her back and said "You QUIT daycare???" What in the world was this woman going to do??? Well, she went to work for her best friend in the office and has since moved up to the back office and the central contact for most, if not all, of the traffic of business for them.
My sister had not worked for anyone, anywhere for almost 17 years. She could barely navigate her cellphone, let alone figure out all of the programs and apps that were out there to connect her phone to her computer. Now, it's like she has been doing it forever. What gave her that ability? It was the inspiration from our fathers death that gave her the little voice inside that said "Yes, you CAN do that!" And boy is she!!!
What inspiration has he given me? Well, who knew I could plan and arrange a funeral, for only $1000!! That is all it cost to give my father, the "transient", a proper funeral with military rites and all! He also gave me the inspiration to grow my business. I went from working 3-4 days a week, to now working almost 6 days and still having people wanting to use my services. I never thought in a million years that I could do that.
Now, he didn't come to me in a dream and tell me this. I was getting little signs every day about how he thought of me daily and how he had always had faith in me to do something. The things I removed from his apartment slowly became things I would be in need of. A step stool for the girls and I to reach things, tools to complete jobs I had run across, a cart that came in INCREDIBLY handy when moving this past October.
In the year since his death, he has come to be a help to me in most every situation I have come across. And that is more than some of my family, who ARE still here, has done in the last four years!!
There is another title, family. What determines family? Blood, marriage, legal documentation? Family is a word that has little to no meaning to me in my life. I have a handful of best friends that mean more to me than some family do. Was that mean to say? Maybe a little. But it's during times of trials you find out who your true friends are. And apparently family too. Remember me saying I always felt "different"? Well, that still is the same, and I am still treated different. I do not know what it is to have a close relationship with my mother or father. And which father, well, either of them!
Who was there in times of trouble? Who shows up to lend a hand when I was too proud to ask for one? Who calls to wish me or my children Happy Birthday or a cheer of the current holiday? Who calls when there is no holiday or troubling event going on in my life? Two of my sisters have been there, but mostly it is my friends.
This title of "family" is taking on a new meaning in my house. My children are the first people I think of when I hear this word. My children will always have a relationship with their mother (and father, but again this is my blog) that comes first before anything. I will never leave my children to fight their battles alone. I will not be there to solve them, just support them in whatever way I can. I will also be their biggest fan. I will cheer the loudest (as I have been told I do already!), I will brag the hardest, I will smile the biggest, I will cry the hardest...whatever it takes to let them know what matters to them also matters to me!
I will never let my child go homeless or hungry. I will never let my child feel like they have no where to turn. They will always know that I will be there, no matter what! If I have to sleep on the floor, they will have a bed. If I have to give them my last $2 to buy them a meal, I will go broke. If they just need to scream and have someone listen, I will stay on the phone for hours until they feel better. It will be about them, not me.
Where did I get this idea of family? From my closest friends! Terry, Ginger, Holly, Jolane, Matt, Kathy, Christy, John, Dena, and Dave...those are the ones still here. I also learned it from some that have passed in just the last year or so...Russell, David and Vera.
My point in all of this, your titles are not permanent. They change sometimes daily. Embrace that change, look forward to your next title, but never let it determine your destiny.
It has been a year since the first half of this was written. Boy how much you can learn in a year. I didn't post it, mainly because I wasn't done. I didn't know where to go with it. I wasn't sure what I was trying to get out of it. Well, I can tell you now.
Inspiration. That is a title I have now given my biological father. He has been an inspiration to me, and also to my sister. We were always different, not able to do the same as everyone else, somehow always expected to fail. We were never given the same support our other siblings did. We fought a lot for everything we have. But we were given inspiration from our father.
Inspiration for what? Well, my sister quit her job of 17ish years. I was talking to her on the phone one day and she said "I quit daycare." My reply was one of recognition of what she told me, but I didn't really grasp what she had told me. We hung up, and two hours later I called her back and said "You QUIT daycare???" What in the world was this woman going to do??? Well, she went to work for her best friend in the office and has since moved up to the back office and the central contact for most, if not all, of the traffic of business for them.
My sister had not worked for anyone, anywhere for almost 17 years. She could barely navigate her cellphone, let alone figure out all of the programs and apps that were out there to connect her phone to her computer. Now, it's like she has been doing it forever. What gave her that ability? It was the inspiration from our fathers death that gave her the little voice inside that said "Yes, you CAN do that!" And boy is she!!!
What inspiration has he given me? Well, who knew I could plan and arrange a funeral, for only $1000!! That is all it cost to give my father, the "transient", a proper funeral with military rites and all! He also gave me the inspiration to grow my business. I went from working 3-4 days a week, to now working almost 6 days and still having people wanting to use my services. I never thought in a million years that I could do that.
Now, he didn't come to me in a dream and tell me this. I was getting little signs every day about how he thought of me daily and how he had always had faith in me to do something. The things I removed from his apartment slowly became things I would be in need of. A step stool for the girls and I to reach things, tools to complete jobs I had run across, a cart that came in INCREDIBLY handy when moving this past October.
In the year since his death, he has come to be a help to me in most every situation I have come across. And that is more than some of my family, who ARE still here, has done in the last four years!!
There is another title, family. What determines family? Blood, marriage, legal documentation? Family is a word that has little to no meaning to me in my life. I have a handful of best friends that mean more to me than some family do. Was that mean to say? Maybe a little. But it's during times of trials you find out who your true friends are. And apparently family too. Remember me saying I always felt "different"? Well, that still is the same, and I am still treated different. I do not know what it is to have a close relationship with my mother or father. And which father, well, either of them!
Who was there in times of trouble? Who shows up to lend a hand when I was too proud to ask for one? Who calls to wish me or my children Happy Birthday or a cheer of the current holiday? Who calls when there is no holiday or troubling event going on in my life? Two of my sisters have been there, but mostly it is my friends.
This title of "family" is taking on a new meaning in my house. My children are the first people I think of when I hear this word. My children will always have a relationship with their mother (and father, but again this is my blog) that comes first before anything. I will never leave my children to fight their battles alone. I will not be there to solve them, just support them in whatever way I can. I will also be their biggest fan. I will cheer the loudest (as I have been told I do already!), I will brag the hardest, I will smile the biggest, I will cry the hardest...whatever it takes to let them know what matters to them also matters to me!
I will never let my child go homeless or hungry. I will never let my child feel like they have no where to turn. They will always know that I will be there, no matter what! If I have to sleep on the floor, they will have a bed. If I have to give them my last $2 to buy them a meal, I will go broke. If they just need to scream and have someone listen, I will stay on the phone for hours until they feel better. It will be about them, not me.
Where did I get this idea of family? From my closest friends! Terry, Ginger, Holly, Jolane, Matt, Kathy, Christy, John, Dena, and Dave...those are the ones still here. I also learned it from some that have passed in just the last year or so...Russell, David and Vera.
My point in all of this, your titles are not permanent. They change sometimes daily. Embrace that change, look forward to your next title, but never let it determine your destiny.
